Because Of You
by TheZombieExpert
Summary: After a fight with Anakin, Ahsoka feels that because of him, she is afraid... Scared to face him again... She tried to kill herself. Anakin was still lingering on her song when he found her. But later on, will it steer towards more disastrous measures? Could it danger them both? (ON HOLD UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!)
1. Chapter 1

She hates watching this... Ahsoka watched from the pitiful viewing behind a red force field as her master lost control and started to choke the man with the force. She just wanted to tell him... Tell him how much she hated it! She didn't want to be here. Anywhere, but here. So she left, not wanting to see the horrible scene any longer.

Ahsoka went to her room, closed the door and locked it manually. Anger would fume in her if it hadn't been for her warnings and threats she received from Anakin. "Jedi don't get angry, you shouldn't either." He would say. She thought it was a lie! Look at him, strangling the prisoner like his life depended on it! Unacceptable!

A rasping on her door came and she opened it. Her Master stood there. "What happened to you?" He said, not bothering with anything else. "I didn't want to see you strangle his life out... So I left." She said. "Are you suggesting that I should try a different method for getting Separatists to talk?" He snapped. "I'm suggesting that you get rid of your anger towards Separatists, and stop treating them all like dirt! Master, they are people, just like us..." She was on the verge of tears.

"It's because of Separatists that we are in this war, Ahsoka! How can you not see that?" He nearly yelled. "How can you not see that you are setting a bad example for your Padawan? Or am I just your pet?" She growled angrily. "That's enough, Ahsoka." He said it firmly but he didn't shout. That was until she pressed on. "Don't get Angry? Look at you! The only feeling you have is anger, anymore! Don't be disobedient? You never follow orders!" "I said, enough!" He shouted. But she continued.

"And lets not forget about attachment issues! I was in love WITH a Separatist, Master! I'll form attachments if I damn well want to!" She yelled. "ENOUGH!" He yelled as loud as possible before pushing Ahsoka against the wall and slapping her clear across her cheek. She fell over from the impact and looked back up at him, holding the side of her face. He left without another word. She then let it out and cried.

Staying in the corner, she didn't open the door for anyone... Until she got the courage to rummage through her trunk and pull out a datapad... She's been working on this for months, looking for the right words... Ahsoka might finally have it all now. She bit her lip and sang the lyrics out loud.

"I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far,"

But she wasn't under the impression that someone was listening to her...

"Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid..." His heart was breaking as she sang from the datapad.

"I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid,"

He pressed his ear to the door and slid down the side, tears brimming in his eyes.

"I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing,"

She yelled the last two lines and pressed her back to the door, crying harder than she's ever had.

"Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid..." She let out a raspy breath and sang the last line. "Because Of You..." She slid down the door and started to cry. For the first time, Anakin realized the pain he's caused to Ahsoka.

She's just a fragile youngling... He had no right to lay a hand on her. And because he did, he hated himself for it. "What have I done?" Anakin started to cry. He could hear Ahsoka sobbing from the other side of the door which made him cry even harder. There was a loud shattering noise from the other side of the door and Anakin heard Ahsoka cry out in pain. Worry grew and he tried to open the door but it was locked.

"Ahsoka! Open the door!" He yelled, banging his fist on the door. But it was no use... He thrusted his hand out and with the inner force, the door was thrown from the arch and it hit the wall... Ahsoka lay on the floor, crying and bleeding from her hands and arms... There was a sharp piece of glass in her arm where she had try to saw but it happened too fast for her to react... Blood covered her.

"Ahsoka!" Anakin yelled, looking at the fragile youngling who had just tried to kill herself... All because of him. "I need help, damn it!" Anakin yelled from her room. He rarely cursed but this was a scary scene and nobody was just gonna watch Ahsoka bleed to death. She was loved by all on this ship. "General, what's going on?" It was Rex. "Ahsoka- she...she tried to-... Because of me..." He was stuttering a lot. Rex walked in the room and saw her.

"My god!" He dropped the blaster in his hand and picked Ahsoka's head up.

He saw the glass in her arm. "A medic... Get a medic!" Anakin yelled. Rex put Ahsoka back down as gently as possible before running to the Medic's station. Anakin picked up his Padawan and put her down on the bed a few feet away. Her eyes were barely open and she was getting dizzy.

"Ahsoka... Hold on... Please..."

Anakin sat there, watching as Ahsoka moaned in pain. The medical droid was as gentle as possible... Until it came to extracting the glass. When the droid even touched it, she screamed in pain. "Just pull the damned thing out!" Anakin yelled. "It is too deep to simply remove... We may have to amputate."

That hit Anakin like a strike of a lightsaber. If Ahsoka lost her arm, her Jedi Dream would be gone. He would refuse for that to happen. "No! Give her as much anesthetic as possible to cause the least amount of pain! Whatever you do, do not remove anything but the glass!" He was so serious, it was scary. And he was angry. Not at the droid... at himself. He let it happen.

Ahsoka told him the cold, hard truth and he couldn't take it. And for that, he lashed out at her. The droid put an injector to her arm and pushed it in her veins. She screamed again. Anakin held her feet so she wouldn't kick anybody... Again.

The droid waited a minute before Ahsoka's eyes fell completely closed. It then put its clamp down on the glass and pulled it out, slowly... It was deep. Most of it was covered in her blood. The droid then worked the delicate process of sewing her arm back up. Anakin watched in horror as his Padawan stirred on the medical bed. Once the droid finished, she started waking up again. Anakin jumped across the room and grabbed her hand. There was a tube connecting to her veins, pumping her with blood to replace what she lost.

Anakin gave his own to her.

She swung her head back and forth and her right lekku twitched as she opened her eyes slowly. At the sight of Anakin, she immediately felt scared again. "Master! I..." She couldn't continue because there was a stabbing in her stomach as she tried to sit up. A stitch ran across her abdomen all the way to her ribcage... She was desperate to end her life, to get rid of the suffering. And at that moment, she wished she used her lightsaber instead of a glass vase.

She coughed and then doubled over. She felt like she was going to hurl... Anakin handed her a bucket that was on the floor for her and she puked in it. After that... She was just dizzy. And scared as to what Anakin would say. "Master... I'm so sorry... I just didn't want to be a disappointment anymore." Is that what she believed? Ahsoka was Anakin's most loved soul! He's never loved anyone more than her.

"You're no disappointment, Ahsoka... You're my Padawan. And don't you dare say you're sorry." He said. She looked up at him with tear stained eyes. "I just wanted to be in control for once... Point out your flaws, so you would quit bashing me." She sniffled and wiped the end of her nose. "You were right to do it..." She sighed.

"Do what?"

"You had every right to hit me, Master... I got out of line." She said, looking down. "Ahsoka, I had absolutely no right to hit you! You had every right to yell at me... It's because of me that your hooked up to an IV... Ahsoka I am so sorry, for all the pain I've caused you... I didn't realize it until..."

"Until I showed you." She bit her lip. "And your song..." She looked up at him, eyes mad. "You were spying on me?" She snapped. He just snickered. "Yeah, but... you have a beautiful voice, Ahsoka... And you made me cry... twice." He held up his fingers, saying twice. She smiled... Anakin then pulled Ahsoka into a tight embrace, but not so tight to hurt her. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried.

Pulling back, Anakin saw a black mark under her eye where he slapped her... "I'm so sorry, Ahsoka." He ran his finger under her eye and she whimpered. "It's OK, Master..." She said, touching his hand that was flat against her cheek. She then saw the IV that was in her wrist... "Why am I hooked up to this?" She asked. "You lost a lot of blood... I gave up some of mine." He admitted. "What?" She was depressed again. "Why?"

"You would have died without it, Ahsoka... Its just a small sacrifice. I'll be fine." He said, motioning to the gaze wrapped around his non-mechanical wrist. She smiled and hugged him again.

She held her breath and instead of using the strength in the lightsaber, she dropped it on the floor. "Don't worry, Snips... You're trying." Ahsoka's Master said. Anakin was nursing Ahsoka back to health, after that unfortunate mishap a week ago. She tried to pick up her lightsaber but the stitches on her stomach made her buck back in pain. "Ah!"

"Ahsoka, you're trying too hard! Take it slow..." She listened to her master and got on her knees to pick it up. She closed the blade and Anakin helped her on her feet. "You tried today... And your getting better." He said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She sighed. "No." She muttered. He then stopped. "You know what I think? I think that you'll be back to normal by Thursday." Today was Tuesday. "Aww... I think your full of it." She joked.

Anakin laughed and rolled his eyes. Ahsoka was in her usual work-out wear which was a black, skin tight, sleeveless turtleneck mixed with gray leggings and her black boots without heels. Anakin was in white robes, his shirt crossing across his muscular chest and his pants that would press against his hips with every movement. With that being said, Ahsoka picked up her real clothes and stuffed them into her pack.

They walked back from the Training Circle and to they're room. Anakin had Ahsoka put in his room so that nothing else would happen, and if it did... He would have a key and would be able to stop her. Ahsoka put her pack down and laid down flat on her back, completely oblivious to the fact that Anakin was changing his clothes 7 feet away. "Master..." She started. "Yes, Ahsoka?" He said, pulling his shirt down passed his stomach. "You ever wonder why I'm still your Padawan? I mean, you never wanted one... And yet, you didn't give up on me... Why do you care so much?"

Her questions hung in the air for several seconds... "Uh..."


	2. Chapter 2

**(Last time in Because Of You:)**

"_Master..." She started. "Yes, Ahsoka?" He said, pulling his shirt down passed his stomach. "You ever wonder why I'm still your Padawan? I mean, you never wanted one... And yet, you didn't give up on me... Why do you care so much?" _

_Her questions hung in the air for several seconds... "Uh..."_

"Master, it's obvious that you care... I wouldn't be here if you didn't." She looked down at her stitches and frowned. "But why DO you care?" This question has been in her mind ever since he took her in as a Padawan.

"Well... I guess it's because that..." He had to think about choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to offend her. So he sat down on her bed and sighed. "You weren't old enough to be a Padawan, Ahsoka... But I gave you a chance... And you've come a long way from then." He said. She bit her lip and just looked down. "Everyone deserves a chance, Ahsoka... Yoda didn't think I had what it takes to be a Padawan... But I've come this far. And so have you."

She looked up, a twinkle of happiness in her eyes and she smiled. "Thank you... Anakin." She hesitated with saying his real name. It danced on her tongue like a foreign language she didn't know. When she raised her head, a stabbing went where her stitches were and she cried. "Ah!" She touched her skin and saw a thin line of blood that stretched across her palm. "Ah, not good." She whimpered.

"You took yourself too far again." He said. "Lay down," She did what was asked and he lifted her shirt up, just below her chest. The stitches were fine but it was just a little stretched. Ahsoka wasn't looking. "How bad is it, Master?" She said. He ran his finger across it and she bit her lip, holding back a whimper. "It's not too bad, but it's not good either." He said. "Ugh, great." She slapped her hand to her forehead and groaned. "Snips..." Anakin groaned her name and stood up.

"Come on, lets replace the gauze." She stood up and kept her shirt up as he cut the gauze off. He picked up the gauze and wrapped it around her stomach, as gentle as possible. She still groaned every other minute. He cut the gauze and taped it into place. She rummaged through her trunk and pulled out the baggiest clothes she had, which happened to be a set of gray robes. Anakin turned around and covered his eyes.

She pulled the shirt off her head and put the gray one on, tying it loosely around her waist. She pulled off the leggings and on the baggy pants which she had to tighten beyond belief, just to keep them up. "Is it safe yet?" Anakin said. "Yes." She said, crawling onto her bed and putting her head down, looking at the ceiling. Anakin walked to the side of her bed and laid down next to her.

They laid there in silence for several minutes before Anakin spoke up. "You know I love you, Ahsoka." He said. "Yeah, I know that." She said, looking at him... 5 seconds. "But sometimes I don't show it." He said, looking back up. She turned her head and looked at him. "You've already done so much for me..." She said. He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and look where that's gotten us." He said, picking up her arm and staring intently at the stitches. She sighed.

"It was all my fault, anyway..." He said, bringing one hand up to his eye and wiping a tear away. He then spoke up... "Ahsoka... Is that the only song you've written?" He asked. She hated to admit it but... "No." She said, sitting up. "What else is there? Can I see it?" He said. She sighed, stood up, and went through her trunk, pulling out several datapads.

She opened up the first one and gave it to him. He looked it over and read the title "Typical?" He asked. "Yeah, that's an old one. I wrote this one a year ago." She gave him another one.

"Breakaway... Will you sing it for me?" He said. "Why?" She groaned. "Because I asked...?" She sighed and cleared her throat before starting...

A few measures and she started.

"Grew up in a small world,

and when the rain would unfurl,

I'd just dwell in my sorrow...

Dreaming of what could be  
And if I'd end up happy  
I would pray,

Trying hard to reach out  
But when I tried to speak out  
Felt like no one could hear me  
Wanted to belong here  
But something felt so wrong here  
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly  
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky  
And I'll make a wish  
Take a chance  
Make a change  
And breakaway  
Out of the darkness and into the sun  
But I won't forget all the ones that I love  
I'll take a risk  
Take a chance  
Make a change  
And breakaway," She said, looking up at her Master who was now smiling. She bit her lip.

"Wanna feel the warm breeze  
Sleep under Onderon's trees  
Feel the rush of the ocean  
Get on board a fast tram  
Travel on a jet plane, far away

And Breakaway...

Buildings with a hundred floors  
Planes that are built to soar  
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but  
Gotta keep moving on, moving on  
Fly away, breakaway..." She would pause every other second and breathe in but Anakin never took his eyes off her.

"I'll spread my wings  
And I'll learn how to fly  
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye  
I gotta take a risk  
Take a chance  
Make a change  
And breakaway  
Out of the darkness and into the sun  
But I won't forget the place I come from  
I gotta take a risk  
Take a chance  
Make a change  
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway..." She looked up and he was grinning wider than ever.

"Amazing, Ahsoka... I loved it." He said, rubbing his hand on her knee. She just rolled her eyes. "Shut up." She mumbled. "I'm serious... You don't think I'm serious." He said. "Not really..." He groaned. "Ahsoka! Come on, that was brilliant!" He said. "Yeah..." She said, feeling tired. Putting the datapads on the ground next to her bed, she laid down and put her head on the pillow. Anakin laid down next to her.

"I can stay here, right?" He asked. "Of course, Master..." She said, yawning and then falling asleep. Anakin hesitated and ran his hand down her cheek, breathing in.

"I'll always love you, Ahsoka... No matter what happens."


	3. Chapter 3

"I wish it wasn't true... I wish I could say that it was all a lie... But I can't." Ahsoka was talking to herself, but looking at Anakin, who was asleep and couldn't hear her. "But the further we come, the more I ignore it... So I couldn't numb the pain anymore." She breathed in and pulled her arm under her head and in between the pillow. "But I still love you. This must be what its like to have a family... To love them no matter how much pain they cause you. I wouldn't know... I never had a family."

She sighed and looked back up at the ceiling. "I'm not sure that I should continue my dream, Anakin... What's the point if I can't even hold my lightsaber?" She bit her lip... Only silence. So she asnwered herself. "Well, Ahsoka, we can't just give up when things get hard. I wouldn't be here if I gave up." She mimicked. "Yeah, I know, Anakin. You've told me this... But how long until I can fight again?" She sighed. "Things like this take time, Ahsoka... The stitches don't heal that fast." She was giving herself bogus advice. So she shut up.

Instead of laying there for another hour, she stood up and went to the training arena, trying what she tried earlier... She picked up a double staff instead of her lightsaber for safety purposes and tried to twirl it in one hand. She did it successfully and started doing circles above her head. Just as she brought it down, the pain kicked in and she dropped the staff and clutched her stomach. She leaned against the nearest pillar and breathed in steadily.

Ever since that day, Her and Anakin have been the only ones using the training arena. Ahsoka needed the extra time in there, just because she's trying to recuperate... And ever since then, no clone on the ship has talked to her. It makes her feel really bad.

Did she freak everybody out that much? Just as she was starting to lose the pain, she heard footsteps in her direction... It was Rex. Nothing between those two will ever be the same. He thought she was suicidal... He's never known a Jedi that tried to kill themselves, so that's why its a big step for him. What Jedi would WANT to die?

He put the thought in the back of his head and walked inside the training arena. "Rex! Hi." She said, standing up after the pain went away. "Commander Tano." He saluted her. Ahsoka rolled her eyes. "Rex... We're in an arena. Not the frontlines. Call me Ahsoka." She said. He took it in his mind and breathed in. "What are you doing, exactly?" He asked. "Uh... I'm trying to get back to normal, but these damned stitches are making it difficult." She swore.

"How bad?" He asked. She pulled up her sleeves and showed him her gauzed forearm that was covered in a thin line of blood from her stitches. "And then I have one on my stomach that's atrocious... But I'll be fine." She was lying. Ahsoka was no where near fine. She was planning on giving up all together. But Rex didn't know that... And neither did Anakin. "Where's General Skywalker? I thought you weren't to leave your room without him." He said.

"Yes, well... Unfortunately he moved me into his room because of my... incident. So if I try again, he can get in with or without it locked." She sighed and went to the middle of the arena and picked up the staff and started twirling it in front of her. "Ahsoka... Why did you do it?" Rex said, out of nowhere. She dropped the staff and looked at him, holding her forearm.

"Do you really want to know what happened?" She said. Rex nodded. "Alright. Sit down." She said. He did as told and she started from the beginning. "It was late and... Anakin was interrogating a Separatist. His way of interrogation means choking the life out of them until they talk. I didn't want to see so I left to my room." This is where it got hard to tell. Fighting tears, she continued.

"When he came back for me... We got into a fight and um..." She was starting to cry. "I may have gone a little too far or said something to really offend him... But he hit me." She said. "He hit you?" Rex looked up. She nodded and wiped tears away. "I uh... I wrote a song about it. About how he's always causing me pain... And he didn't see it until I sang..." Rex had no idea that she could sing, let alone have the courage to write a song.

"And that's when I figured that he'd be better without me... He never wanted a Padawan anyway. Whats the point if all I do is get in the way?" She said, resting one hand on her drumming heart. "Ahsoka... You are nothing short of perfect. Without you, the General would be dead." He said it... And Ahsoka knew this.

"But what if... Just what if I never existed? Would he be happier... Without me?" She took a deep breath. "The only one who understood me was Lux Bonteri... He understood how it felt to be alone." She rubbed the back of her neck, feeling as if she said too much, but Rex was all sympathetic and soft on her. He pulled her into a hug and she put her shin on his shoulder plate.

"You really are perfect, Ahsoka... Don't let Anakin make you think otherwise..." He said, pushing her back. She wiped a tear away and looked up at him. "Thanks, Rex..." She grabbed his forearm and smiled. "I know who to go to when I'm sad, now..." She smiled. "Thanks kiddo." He said, putting his hand on her shoulder. She rolled her eyes and picked up the staff on the ground again, twirling it in the air, just above her head and then whipping around, thrusting her elbows up and stabbing the staff on the floor.

She put the momentum in her feet and she was thrown from the spot and over the stick, on the other side of the arena. She landed with ease but felt the pain. "Ah!" She clutched her side where the stitches were. "You alright?" Rex called. "I'm fine... Just give me a minute." She said, falling on her knees and breathing in.

After is subsided, she wiped her forehead and stood up. Ahsoka put the staff back and rubbed her neck. "I think I'm done for today... Who said recovering was gonna be easy?" She said. "Nobody." Rex mocked. She rolled her eyes again and left the arena, heading back to her room. Once she got there, Anakin was thrashing back and fourth, moaning in his sleep. It made Ahsoka nervous.

Biting her lip, she closed the door and walked to her bed where he tossed and turned on top of the covers. "Master... Anakin!" She shook him but he flung his hand up in the air and punched Ahsoka in her nose. She fell back and on his bed, holding her nose. "Ah!" She complained. Anakin sat up. "Oh, my God! Ahsoka, I'm so sorry!" He said, not bothering with questions. She held up her hand, which was covered in blood.

"Don't worry about it... I'm OK." She lied. Anakin might have broken her nose. "Ahsoka... It looks pretty bad. Come on," He lead her from the room and to the medical station. A droid assessed the punch she took. "You've suffered a broken nose." He said. Ahsoka covered her bloody nose with both hands, covering her mouth as well, before screaming a muffled scream. "God, Damn it!" She shouted.

"Hey! Watch your mouth!" Anakin yelled. "You watch your hands!" She yelled back... He deserved that. The bridge of her nose was cracked. The droid put on two pieces of surgical tape and she moaned. "This is just great..." She would pull her hair out if she had any. Her only source of anger relief was kicking walls.

"Ahsoka... I really am sorry... I- I don't-" He couldn't tell her about his dream... It's not that simple. "I told you not to worry... I'll survive." She said. "Not if I keep hitting you, Ahsoka... You almost died from the last time!" He said, the memory fresh in his mind. "Yeah, but that was on purpose. Your genius brain had a impulse and you smashed my nose... No big deal." It hurt like a bitch though.

"I'm really getting sick of medical rooms. Lets get out of here." They left and walked back down the hall. "This is just gonna be great... How long for a broken nose to heal? Add it on to my stitches." She said. "All together... bout 5 months." He said. She growled.

"That's just great..."


	4. Author's Note

**I'm rewriting Chapter 4. I didn't like the last one so I hope this is better. Give me feedback, people! I feel lonely!**

**Thank you all for favoriting, Liking, and following! Your my inspiration! That's all! Continue with the reading! Next Chapter -**


	5. Chapter 4

"She seems to be doing better." Obi-Wan said from behind the glass of the Medical Room where Ahsoka was sitting on a bed, following procedures to make sure she could still move. And one of the clones volunteered for it. Guess which one?

"But she isn't the same..." Anakin said, leaning against the glass. "Its my fault she's like this anyway." It was just yesterday when he broke her nose by accident. The tape has already driven Ahsoka crazy but she couldn't remove it. From inside, Rex told Ahsoka to lift her arm and lay her hand out flat. She could do it with minimum pain.

"OK, try this... Make a fist, hold it, and then release." He said. She tightened her fingers around themselves and held it, feeling a sting go through her veins. "Ow." She muttered. "Don't try too hard." He said. She smiled as if she wasn't in pain. Bad joke, if you think about it. She bit her lip and released. "You OK?" Rex asked. Ahsoka nodded and laid down flat. Rex folded her shirt back and ran two fingers down her stitches.

She whimpered. "Stop stalling, Rex!" She snapped. "I'm not! They have to be inspected..." He ran another finger down the one on her forearm and she just looked the other way. "I swear, once I lose these stitches, I'll never back down again." She was angry now... Angry at herself. Angry for being a stupid brat!

"Something isn't right..." Anakin said, looking at Rex and Ahsoka. He couldn't help but get the feeling that Rex would rather be 'Playing' doctor with Ahsoka than actually diagnosing her. "You do know that Ahsoka could have been put in a bacta tank over night and the wounds would heal..." Obi-Wan said. Anakin shook his head. "Ahsoka said it was... Artificial Healing. She says that if it ever comes to the point like... This, she's want to heal naturally. I remembered that when she... You know."

He didn't want to remind him about what happened earlier... And the image became fresh in his mind... Ahsoka nearly bleeding to death, screaming out in pain, moaning in her unconsciousness... Murmuring in her dreams... She says things that Anakin can't sometimes understand. Sometimes... He can hear what she says... Like 'I'm sorry' or muffled screams and then sometimes... His name. One night she said Lux's name repeatedly but Anakin's name followed behind.

He didn't get it. And he refused to seek out help... It was a little embarrassing that his Padawan would moan his name in her sleep... What scared him more was what she was dreaming about... But there was also a surge of happiness anytime he heard his name in her voice... It gave him unusual feelings.

Biting his lip, Anakin looked at Ahsoka. She kept her eyes pointed to the ceiling as Rex would diagnose her... Holding her breath, even. She bit her lip and closed her eyes before gripping the side of the bed. Anakin felt a sting of sympathy for her. "She'll never be the same... Never." He put his forehead on the glass and closed his eyes, trying to reach out to her...

Just then, he latched onto her soul. Only for a minute, but he felt... Everything. The pain that this was causing her... It was intense pain. As if she was being shocked over and over again. Although, she's never said... Anything. And Anakin felt over exhausted... As if he were about to pass out... But he also felt her fear. Her unforgivable fear towards him. He let her go and ran both hands through his hair, messing it up.

"No..." He looked at his Padawan who opened her eyes up and sat up, pulling her shirt down. "Are we done here?" She complained. "Yeah. Go on," Rex dismissed her and she stood up, stretching her back until she heard a satisfying cracking sound. Then she walked out of the room, her hips swaying with every step. Something that every boy found fascinating... Especially Lux.

The door swished shut after she left and she looked at Anakin. "Are you alright, Master? You look a little pale." She said. He nodded but didn't say anything until she spoke again. "Is it OK if I go back to the room? I'm a little tired..." She said. "Uh... of course Ahsoka. Go on ahead." She smiled and walked back to the room with the occasional stops for breath. Holding her stitched side, she would continue.

Ahsoka reached the room and collapsed on the bed... Once she lay there, she felt tired. Hiding her gaze from anything else but the ceiling, she fell asleep after about 2 minutes.

"_Ahsoka, what are you doing?" Anakin shouted at his Padawan in the dark. "You never thought I was good enough... Good enough to KILL a Jedi... Well, I am... And I just might start with you." She said in the darkness of the room. "Ahsoka... You need to come back to me, OK. This isn't you, snap out of it!" He yelled. _

"_No! You were too weak to give in to the Dark Side's true power... But I am going to embrace it... Master," A green light spread and Ahsoka was there, her eyes no longer baby blue, but an ugly shade of yellow. Dark lines spread as if to show that she's been infected... But in soul, it was all intact. Just foggy. And then, she striked. And Anakin shouted out to her. _

Ahsoka bolted up from her bed, covered in hot sweat. Rubbing her forehead, she breathed in a shallow breath and looked around. The room was dark and quiet. She knew Anakin didn't come back yet, or else she would have heard his soft snoring. She stood up, ran to the Fresher and splashed cold water on her face. If she got any more warm, the water would have evaporated. Looking up, her eyes were not their normal vibrant blue... But a cloudy sky blue.

She bit her lip. "Lack of sleep? Lack of exercise?" She weighed the options but neither seemed to fit. She got a cold bottle of water from under the sink, knowing it was weird to stash it there but Anakin didn't care. He did it too.

Instead of drinking it, she twisted the cap off and dumped the water on her head, soaking her face, clothes, and arms, but leaving her feet untouched. The water dripped from her eyelashes and some fell on the gaps between her lips, a salty taste dancing on her tongue. She bit her lip and looked up in the mirror... Ooh, bad timing. Anakin stood in the doorway and watched her dump the bottle of water on her head.

It soaked her stitches, which made crusty blood go soft and make a line on her shirt. Alone with her arm but that dripped down to her elbow. "Uh, want to explain why you did that?" He said, smirking. She shook her head, water falling from the tips of her lekkus as they moved with her head. She hung her head low and looked down at the white sink, water falling from her face. "Am I weak, Master?"

The question took him by surprise. "What?" He said. She restated it. "Has it ever seemed like I've... had The Dark Side in me?" Ahsoka had no memory of what happened on Mortis because The Son was in control of her. It wasn't her thinking. It was him controlling her, possessing her, like a demon that wanted to consume her. And it did... Until Anakin saved her life, and her soul.

But he wasn't about to tell her something to scare her even more. So he kept quiet. "Not once, Ahsoka." She felt as if he was lying to her. But let it roll from her shoulders, which were now soaked. "Then why do I feel so WEAK?!" She shouted, banging her fist on the sink. "All I've ever wanted was to fulfill my dream-" She kicked the wall. "Be a Jedi Knight-" A punch to the wall. "And now I can't do that because... Because..." She was on the verge of tears. She looked in the mirror and saw herself...

"Because of YOU!" She screamed, punching the glass and the mirror shattered on the floor. Anakin snapped to his feet and grabbed her shoulders. "Ahsoka, don't you dare blame yourself for this!" He said, shaking her. She felt her head fling back a couple of times, and it felt like he was giving her whiplash. Her eyes went wide as she saw his... They were glowing.

"The last thing I want is for you to think that this is your fault... If I hadn't of hit you, we would not be in this mess. And you'd still have your own room. But because I got offended, I let that wreck our relationship with each other. Don't blame yourself... If your gonna blame someone, Ahsoka, blame me."

That was it. Ahsoka felt tears in her eyes and she grabbed onto Anakin shoulders, crying into his chest. Anakin held onto her back and she closed her eyes. "I don't want to die, Master! But I don't want to live a life of fear..." It was muffled by his shirt. He pulled her down on her knees and he got on his own, rocking her back and forth, trying to calm her down.

But seeing her cry, made him start to cry. He put his head on top of hers and cried as well. "I don't want to lose you, Ahsoka... If I lose you, I'll lose a part of myself..." She sobbed even harder, clutching his shoulder with her sharp fingernails, sending electrical waves throughout his body. And hers.

"What do I do? Where do I go from here?" She sobbed, not looking up. "I..." Anakin started but stopped himself.

"I don't know."


	6. Chapter 5

We've all seen Ahsoka on the outside... But now there's a trip to make, inside her mind. It's even scarier than the outside of her projected thoughts... We've never seen it. How twisted it is now. Her mind was clean and stable right before Anakin touched her. And here we are, more fragile and broken than ever... What is it like to be her? Let's find out...

~Ahsoka's P.O.V~

My mind seems to go faster than I think. That makes no sense, but I'll pretend it does... He's looking at me again. Anakin. My master, for proper terms. But here's one, why should I give a flying frack what the council expects of me?! Why should I follow bullshit rules and regulations? What good have they provided me this far? Nothing. They all make me or the ones I love, fall to their death! And I will not lose Anakin to rules and forbidden feelings!

Another thing that scares me? The council. And the Clones. You never know what is going on around you unless you really pay attention? Who knows how many people can be listening to your thoughts, digging through your mind and you do not even know... It's sick! So twisted I don't want to think about it... He's looking again... I swear, every time he looks at me, I melt inside. His smile, his eyes, his heart, his body, everything... Perfect. Everything I am not.

And yet, I'm scared of him. Scared of what he might think. Is he in my head? Can he read my thoughts? No! He wouldn't do that... He promised... Didn't he? He wouldn't do that. Would he? I'm not so sure anymore. But why would he? Besides the fact that I've been totally crazy lately, so out of it, so distant... It's hard to breathe sometimes. Every time Anakin looks at me, I get butterflies. Not in my tummy, but in my heart. It skips a beat, starts to flutter, and speeds up rapidly, I can feel it against my chest.

I know I had a crush on him, the first time I saw him... I want to push it forward somehow. Maybe more than that? No, impossible... He despises me... For something he started. I wouldn't be thinking like this if he had just taken it like any other man would have! But no, it's all wrong. All of it, twisted and turned into an unidentifiable shape... A mangled heart, if you will.

But that's being stored in a past file. I'm sick of living in fear! Sick of it!

"Ahsoka, your doing it again." I looked up and bit my lip. "Doing what?" How does he do that? He knows what I'm doing just by looking at me? I mean, yes of course he knows what I'm doing but... He knows what I'm... Doing! "You keep arguing with your thoughts." I blinked a few times before shrugging. "It's better than thinking about the pain." I said. But then, that broke my barrier. The pain raced back into the wounds and I groaned. I clutched my side and laid down on the bed, bringing my legs up and holding my breath as my stomach curdled.

"Ahsoka, stop touching it!" Anakin snapped. I glared at him. "Like hell I will..." It didn't help. I felt like I was gonna throw up. "It's not getting better, Master. It's getting worse!" It was getting worse with every breath. "Ahsoka... Ahsoka, calm down." He jumped up and touched my arm. I froze and all the pain seemed to melt away... Healer's touch. I twitched under his hand as my lekkus twitched as well... I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was like a burning desire... "Ahsoka... Move your hand, please..." He said. I was hesitant... "Ahsoka, you can trust me." He said.

That sealed it. I loosened my hand and he pulled on my loose black baggy shirt, pulling down my pants slightly to get a view of the bandages... "Oh, wow." He said. "What? What is it?" I looked down and saw it... The blood was not red. It was black. I almost freaked out! "Don't! I- Its OK." He put his hand on my shoulder... "Think we should change the bandages." He said. I lifted my legs up in shock. "Master... Are you sure your qualified for that?" She asked. "I was... gonna take you to the medbay..." He said. Well, that was awkward. "Oh! OK..." I stood up and grabbed my baggy shirt to cover up the murky bandages. The wounds wouldn't stop bleeding. It was getting a little ridiculous.

~Third Person P.O.V~

Anakin walked Ahsoka down to the infirmary and called in Kix to help her. Kix was one of the few clones that had the permission to touch the female commander on and off the battlefield. Mostly because Ahsoka trusted Kix. They were like best friends. Of course, she's friends with all the troopers. Anakin stood outside the medbay as the curtains closed behind them. He could see the silhouettes of the two... A spark of jealously came up inside. Why did he have to... Touch her?

XXXXX

Ahsoka stood there, her consciousness letting go with Kix. "How you holding up, Commander?" He asked her. "Honestly... I've been better." She said, pulling off her black shirt. "Oh... Wow!" He looked at her side... "Is it that bad?" She asked. "It's pretty bad, sir." He said. She groaned. "Go ahead. Take the bandages off, clean the stitches... As painlessly as possible, please." She said. "There's no painless way to do this..." He said, his shaky hands reaching for her chest. He started to take off the bandages and Ahsoka's blood started heating up more... He completely removed them and then stared at her torso... She was built, that was obvious, but she was more filled out than you'd expect. Of course her tight skimpy outfits don't leave much to the imagination.

"Go ahead and lie down." She laid down on her side, exposing the stitches. Kix went through the medpac and pulled out the sticky substance that cleans the wounds in a Kolto tank. There's a difference between a Bacta Tank and a Kolto tank. ( I dunno the difference. There's a difference though.)

He put some of the kolto liquid on his fingers and rubbed it on the wound. Her back arched and she grabbed the sheets, curling her toes against Kix's armor. "You OK?" He asked. "Not really." She groaned, pushing her head back. He put his hand on her hip. "Don't worry... The pain doesn't last long." She let out a steady breath, trying to hide the pain. It didn't exactly work. A few seconds passed. Kix looked back at her stitches. The dried up blood was cleared up and fresh red liquid seeped through the skinny stitches. But it wasn't as much as before. "Ready?" He asked as he held up a syringe with a pain killer injection. Ahsoka stood up and lifted her arms over her head. "No. But do it!" She snapped. He rammed the needle in her him.

"God Damn it! That fucking hurt!" She cursed up a storm. "Watch it!" Kix said. She bit her lip. "Sorry..." Ahsoka looked at her feet and stretched her toes out. "Can we close this up now?" She asked. "Just gimme a second, will ya?" He said. "Alright, don't get snappy with me!" She said, still holding her arms over her head. This was all a little awkward for him. He's never actually seen a girl with no shirt on. He never thought the first one he saw was his commander. Not that he was complaining...

"Alright." He pulled the needle out of her hip. "Bout time." He picked up the bandages rolled up. He pressed the corner to her left hip and spun it in circles around her stomach before dragging the bandages up over her ribcage and above her chest, over her breasts. He used his teeth to rip the syrgical tape and put it on the end of the bandage to hold it in place. "Thanks, Kix..." She looked down, smelled her shirt and then covered her nose. "Ugh... Smells terrible." She said, throwing it behind her. He picked it up, smelled it and covered his nose. "Good Lord! When was the last time you changed your shirt?" He said. "Uh... Last time someone changed the bandages?" She shrugged. "A week and a half ago?" He said. "Bye, Kix!" She jumped up and ran out of the medbay. But then turned around, snatched her shirt back from him and grinned before darting again. Anakin caught her in the hallway. "Where are you off to, Snips?" he smirked. "Master! I... Didn't see you there." She looked up in his eyes.

"Should've. Been standing out here for half an hour." He said. She rolled her eyes. And then realized she was just standing there in her thermal bandages... "There's no way I'm putting this back on!" She gave the shirt to Anakin and he held his breath. "Alright... This one time, I'm lending you this..." He took off his robe and handed it to Ahsoka. She stared at it for a second before pulling it from his grasp. She pulled it on and clutched it to her chest. Once Anakin turned around, Ahsoka smelled the robe...

It smelled a little like spice and mint toothpaste... But then she smelled perfume. A strange fragrance... And she froze as she identified it... "Senator Amidala." Anakin's head shot up. "What?" He turned around... Ahsoka could see it. The guilt was written all over his face. She could see it in her eyes. "My species has a strong sense of smell, Master..." Her nostrils flared as she smelled it once again... He had fear in his eyes... Ahsoka smelled something else and her nostrils flared as she growled like a Zygerrian. "You had sex with Padme..." He looked up as she ripped his cloak off and threw it back at him.

"Ahsoka, wait! I- I can explain!" He yelled. "Explain? Its pretty clear to me! You were being a hypocrite this whole time... You stand there, and make me feel guilty for a kiss. A Kiss that I didn't even want in the first place!" She shouted, pushing on his chest. And you know how tall and lean this man is! It takes real force to move him! Ahsoka was pissed. Not only had her dreams been crushed... But he was lying to her from the very beginning. He was a Hypocrite. "Tell me its not right! Tell me loving is against the Jedi Code! And then go and screw the Senator of Naboo! Someone that just happened to be almost one of my only friends!" He's never seen her this mad... At least not on her own intentions.

Back on Mortis it was a different story. She couldn't control it. The Son controlled her. But here, she was really mad. And on her own. Anakin looked down at his feet. "Ahsoka..." He started. "Don't! Don't tell me anymore lies... I'm sick of it! I've had enough!" He backed into the wall. They were so damn lucky the halls were empty... At least they thought...

"Ahsoka, if you would just let me-" "No!" She screamed, walking away. "I don't wanna hear anything about what you did or did not do, you just leave me alone!" She screamed out. He grabbed hold of her arm and pulled on it, trying to stop her. She lost it. Ahsoka brought her fist up and punched Anakin in his jaw. He fell on his ground. "Ah! What the hell, Ahsoka!" He yelled, holding his jaw... It was throbbing. Who knew she could hit so freakin' hard?

"Ahsoka... Please, don't do this." He said. She shook her head and her hand before growling...

"Go to hell."

**(Yeah, this chapter's a little dark! But I haven't updated in forever! So I just had to! If You don't like it, I could re-do it but you gotta wait another two months for an update! =3) **


	7. Chapter 6

The pain was stronger this time. But she continued to push herself. Without Anakin. She didn't need him. She had her own training! Ahsoka twirled the electro staff in her hand, taking a break from her lightsaber. She kicked her legs up and swung over the staff that she pressed to the linoleum and skidded across the floor. The pillars around her were ruining her style and she usually works with open spaces. Sometimes she trains outside in the wilderness or an empty landing platform. But she has to improvise. It was almost 7 in the morning. She's been training all night long. It carried into the next day.

The clones would be getting unto her way soon. She'd ignore them, as usual, and train on her own. Minutes passed as Ahsoka continued to twirl the staff in her hand and then she rotated it too much and smacked herself in the side, right where her stitches were. "Ah! Fuck!" She shouted, dropping the staff and landing on her knees. She pushed herself up towards the pillar and pressed her back to it, letting out rickety breaths. "Ugh... This sucks."

Then the doors opened. Ahsoka looked up at Rex and Cody. Ahsoka put her hand on the floor and pushed herself to stand up. "Commander, are you OK?" Rex said. She rolled her eyes. "We're not on the frontlines, Rex. Call me by my name." She said, rolling her head to loosen the knot in her neck. She picked the electro staff up and put it back before she yawned. "Ahsoka... Shouldn't you be taking it slow?" He asked. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and took off her sweater, standing there in her black tank top. "I'm sick of taking it slow. I'm not gonna get better if I spend every day in bed. I've got to push myself." She picked up her lightsaber and twirled the open blade in her hand.

"Shouldn't you be with General Skywalker? He usually helps you doesn't he?" Cody asked. She growled under her breath and pulled the lightsaber up, closing it. "Me and Anakin thought that we don't have to spend every minute together. I'll get better... With or without Anakin's help." She put her lightsaber down and picked up a knife off the weapons wall. There were blasters, swords, knives, and staffs. She picked up one of the smaller knives, threw it up in the air and then threw it across the room. It hit the poster across the room and punctured the metal.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Rex said, stepping towards her. "I'm trying not to think about it." Ahsoka ran across the room and ripped the knife out of the wall. And also the one from earlier when she missed the poster. "How long have you been down here?" Cody asked, sitting down on the bench watching her. "Since 8 last night. Why?" She asked. "Ahsoka, you need to get some sleep." He said. "Like hell I do. I'm fine." She was lying. Ahsoka was nowhere near fine. She was twisted. Going insane. And Anakin wasn't helping. He was pushing her to the limit.

But none of that mattered now. All she cared about was this moment, and her training. She's not gonna go soft because Anakin smacked her. She got even with him. Nailed him in the jaw with a power punch. Just got sick of listening to his lies. But the worst part was... He was making her feel guilty for something he's done every day since she's met him. He's really good at blocking his feelings. Blocking his mind's eye... But he's not an expert. She knows how to cripple the system. Cripple the code.

And she won't stay here for long. Ahsoka's sick of living in fear of what would happen if she did break the code. "A Jedi shall not now Anger... Nor Hatred... Nor Love." And she's sick of the code!

Ahsoka was thinking too strongly about this. She wiped a tear from her cheek and walked to the window, looking out into space... "Ahsoka, you need to rest. Your exhausted." Rex then touched her shoulder. She smacked his arm away. "I am not a child, Rex! I can take care of myself..." She let out a sigh. _"But I can't let you down..."_ She can't let them see her cry... "I'm fine." It was a total lie... But soon they left the hall and Ahsoka was left on the floor, thinking... Nothing else. Not a word said, not a muscle moved... Just silent.

OOOoooOOOoooOOO

There's only so much one girl can take, before it can break her into thousands of pieces... She's shattered and can't put the pieces back together... So she'll have to make a new one. Move on. Her and Anakin are hopeless together. She can't keep living like this.

Minutes passed before the doors opened up again... Obi-Wan stood there. "Ahsoka... Anakin's been looking for you everywhere... You hit him pretty hard." He said, stepping forward towards her. Ahsoka went against her better instincts to complain about something that could never happen and looked up at Obi-Wan, sighing. "I'd rather not talk about that."

Her face was paler than normal. Which is a stretch because it is never pale. Her skin is orange for Christ sake. He breathed in. "Ahsoka... You should meditate. Whatever it is, you need to relax. How bad could it be?" And he left. She breathed in... "Really bad."

OOOoooOOOoooOOO

Those words. Those taunting, terrible words still etched in the back of his mind... _"Go to hell..." _

He's already there! It's hell without Ahsoka! He hated to admit it too but he can't live without her. He misses her. Her smile, her cocky attitude, her soft hands brushing against his... Her body tightly pressed to hers... Its a prize that he doesn't plan on losing. Anakin was going frantic, looking for Ahsoka. But with an exasperated sigh, he traveled back to their room and found an obvious sight... Ahsoka, meditating with her back towards him, on his mat.

He laughed before stepping forward... "Ahsoka,"

She didn't move. "What do you want, Anakin?" The breath hitched in his throat. She's rarely ever used his first name! Its either Master or Skyguy... She was pissed! "Can we please talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about!" She shouted out, jumping up and towering over him but then regaining herself, not letting him win this. If he won't back down, neither will she.

Ahsoka sat back down on the mat and this time she faced Anakin. He could see how pale she was. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her lips were cracked and swollen. Ahsoka hasn't been sleeping. Or drinking... But she has been crying. "Master, it's not like you were trying to hurt me... I know this." But she was now in denial. "But your just a hypocrite. Lecturing me about how love is wrong and then you sleep with Senator Amidala. Its just..." She didn't continue. Ahsoka put her hands on her forehead and let out a long groan...

"Its not fair." He strained to hear her but it was clear... That was it. Anakin had to tell her. Whether she wants to hear it or not, she's gonna hear it. "Ahsoka... The truth is that I've been unfair to you... I've been seeing Senator Amidala for a while... In fact, I've been in love with her since I met her on Tatooine..." Ahsoka wanted him to stop right there. She closed her eyes tight and balled her hands into tight fists, turning her knuckles white...

"And then you came along. I realized that you and I had a lot more in common than me and Padm'e... Thats why I was so protective. I didn't want anyone else to love you... Because I was hoping that when I told you, it wouldn't be too late. I know my life purpose, Ahsoka... And it's not with Padm'e... Its with you." He grabbed her hand and tugged on it, loosening her fists. Her face seem to grow whiter as her eyes spilled more tears... She was shocked.

"You... You love me?"

***OOOHHH! Cliffhanger! Yeah, you've all been bitching me for an update so, here ya go! Do somethin' with that!***


End file.
